When All Is Lost | Sid'nis

All the rest of the Northern Continent that Atricis left behind. Atricis' old Holds can be found within, as well as all the other Holds and Weyrs and old lands left behind.
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Shaihulud
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Fri Jun 01, 2018 11:52 am

Of course A'rosius knew, but he was not about to through Sid'nis' shortcomings in his face when he had come to seek shelter and assurance from a friend. Given some time, A'rosius would voice his concerns, but for the meantime he would offer his support and comfort to help ground Sid'nis once again.

"Tea sounds wonderful, thank you."

And no doubt would Sid'nis want more, but A'rosius would not feed that hunger. Instead, he would brew a special tea for his friend to take his mind off of the unspoken cravings that hung about him like the aroma of a poorly chosen cologne. "Please, have a seat on the couch, and help yourself to the biscuits on the table," he waved off to his friend as he moved over to small kitchen area where a pitcher of water awaited him. He moved back to the hearth, and filled the kettle with the pitcher before he began to stop the fires with fresh crackling and logs. Rather than say a word, he let Sid'nis sit in peace and reflect on those things that would inevitably be asked.

Sid'nis should have known his ex-weyrmate well enough to know those things would be asked, especially if he knew A'rosius suspected the worst.

With the kettle placed over the fire, the bluerider returned to his friend and settled on the couch with him. Duesso decided to join them, thus the emerald fancy flit found perch on A'rosius' leg. After a scratch of the 'lizard's head, he finally asked that which was most expected. "So do you want to tell me what's really going on, Sid?" While A'rosius gave the bluerider a chance to be honest, he also gave him little room to deceive.
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Parker
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Fri Jun 08, 2018 6:27 pm

"Please, have a seat on the couch, and help yourself to the biscuits on the table,"

Sid'nis did feel the itch for something stronger, but he wasn't going to ask for it. He, at the very least, knew better than to do that. Even if he had the gall to ask he knew what the answer would be, so it was better to save face and not make himself look more like the rock bottom he'd hit than he had to. "Thank you. I really do appreciate it." Sid said as he moved over to the couch and took a seat. He wasn't really hungry, but still he picked up a biscuit to nibble on as Ambr got the tea going. He didn't speak more...he knew there would be other questions coming, so for now he'd wait for them.

"So do you want to tell me what's really going on, Sid?"

Sid managed a smile that wasn't felt as he looked at his friend. "I would say 'no I don't' but I like to think I know you well enough to know that isn't an option." He was trying to hide his pain behind a mask of humor and lightness, but it really wasn't working. He turned away then to look down between his feet, the biscuit in his hand completely ignored. "I fucked up...I fucked up real bad, Ambr. Now...he's dead, Kin's dead, and...I might as well have been the one to kill him." He said in a low voice, riddled with guilt and shame.
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Zaynallen | C'sian | Sid'nis | Locke
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Shaihulud
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Sat Jun 09, 2018 12:09 am

"I would say 'no I don't' but I like to think I know you well enough to know that isn't an option." His demeanour unsettled A'rosius, for it appeared disingenuine and came at a discord with the things he said. "I fucked up...I fucked up real bad, Ambr. Now...he's dead, Kin's dead, and...I might as well have been the one to kill him."

Eyes widened, stunned by the confession. It was the first the bluerider had heard of Kinali's death, and to hear Sid'nis held himself accountable? "I can't believe that." A'rosius would never believe it. He knew Sid'nis, and he knew the man was incapable of harming anyone. The bluerider simply was not prone to violence, and he had not a single malicious bone in his body. He was a kind man with a warm heart, a generous heart. To see Sid'nis in such a state nearly broke A'rosius, but he hid it well. "This makes no sense. How could you be the cause of his death? You've never hurt anyone."

He reached out to Bowith, but even the blue had no answers for him.

What happened?
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Parker
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Sun Jun 10, 2018 6:07 am

"I can't believe that. This makes no sense. How could you be the cause of his death? You've never hurt anyone."

Sid'nis felt the threat of tears in the way his throat tightened, but he'd shed too many tears already over this mess all he ever got anymore was the threat of tears. He supposed that was better than the uncontrollable tears he use to shed, but honestly he'd rather be over all of it. "Yeah, well, believe it." He said with a bit more bitterness than he meant. "Sorry." The apology came swiftly.

Sid stood then and began to pace a little. It took him a few moments before he spoke again. "Kin...he killed himself and he did it because of something I did." His shoulders sagged with the guilt that still weighed heavily on them. Iolith returned then and gave Bowith the kill he had made for the other blue.

"I did something...something I've never done before...I.." The words wanted to stay trapped in his throat. "I cheated on him."
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Zaynallen | C'sian | Sid'nis | Locke
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Shaihulud
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Sun Jun 10, 2018 12:27 pm

"Yeah, well, believe it."

A'rosius was taken aback by the bitterness and bluntness of his reply. What had happened? How had it happened? He did not have time to debate over the answer, for Sid'nis swiftly apologised, and stood to his feet to pace. Rather than say a word, A'rosius nervous gaze chased after him. Should he follow him? Embrace him? Assure him? Yet A'rosius knew not what he needed to assure Sid'nis about, for he hardly understood the events as they unfolded. How could his former weyrmate, a man so tender and gentle, a man who was a greater father than A'rosius ever was, be the source of Kinali's death? Was it the mourning of loss that fed into his guilt?

... was this why Sid'nis was drinking? The shots he confessed to were uncharacteristic of Sid'nis, enough to rouse A'rosius' suspicions even then, yet still, the bluerider did not act. Instead, he watched Sid'nis' paces leave a trail of wear upon the intricate silk rug that spread across the living room floor.

"Kin...he killed himself and he did it because of something I did."

So Sid'nis was not to blame, yet it brought A'rosius little relief to find out a truth he already knew.

"I did something...something I've never done before...I.." he struggled with the confession, "I cheated on him."

While there might have been others surprised by Sid'nis' confession, A'rosius was not one of them. After five turns spent with the man, A'rosius thought he knew Sid'nis better than most. The man before him was one who thrived on passion and impulse; A'rosius knew this the first day he ever met Sid'nis. Normally a reserved and cautious man, A'rosius remembered the bluerider who approached him at the gather, stole him for a dance, and beckoned him for a kiss... all in a single night... At the time, A'rosius had practically been untouched. Sid'nis was his first love... a rushed love... an impulsive love. A'rosius admitted to his single moment of rashness, his weakness for the only person in his life to love him as he was, but A'rosius over time realised that while Sid'nis was his one exception, A'rosius was not Sid'nis'.

Mul'rec was their first trial, one whom A'rosius managed to forgive, though caution never allowed him to forget. He wondered then about what Sid'nis was capable of, and as their relationship began to deteriorate in the turns to follow, A'rosius felt the threat to their fidelity. But Sid'nis was not entirely to blame for A'rosius' reservations at the time, for A'rosius harboured a significant amount of insecurity about his own identity, warring between Ambrosius and Alyss. I'M NOT ALYSS! He wanted to scream out so many times... yet never did.

That first night together all those turns ago, A'rosius told Sid'nis of his past identity so the man could understand him completely. At the time, A'rosius revelled at the fact Sid'nis loved him despite his past, and he entrusted Sid'nis to love him as the person he was, but by no fault of Sid'nis own, Sid'nis took it to mean A'rosius was Alyss in hiding. For Sid'nis he tried to be the woman his body wanted him to be, but it never settled well with A'rosius, and as the turns passed, the name of Alyss left him feeling incomplete and hollow. After their daughter was born, A'rosius could no longer bear the lie he lived. He loved Sid'nis, but he feared of Sid'nis' opinion if he embraced his own manhood and sent Alyss to the void once and for all. A'rosius would never be like the men Sid'nis clearly had a taste for, men like Mul'rec. A'rosius hated Sid'nis for it, for all Sid'nis was blameless in the matter and tried so hard to fix them. Rather than give Sid'nis a chance, A'rosius left him first without explanation, and rid himself of Alyss once and for all. When Sid'nis finally saw A'rosius again during a family visit, Alyss was dead, and A'rosius was fully man.

In a little over a Turn, Sid'nis moved on with Kinali. A'rosius, jealous of Kinali, could not help but bitterly wonder if Sid'nis kissed Kinali too on that first night of introduction. Yet despite his resentment, it became apparent to Ar'osius that he too needed to move on, and with Inez's encouragement, he made the effort, but he fell miles short of the mark and never tried again. He realised what he once had with Sid'nis was too precious to rush with another, to seek with another on impulse. Perhaps that was why it pained A'rosius so much that Sid'nis moved on without a second thought. A'rosius thought that perhaps Sid'nis mattered too much to him, but the small voice inside told A'rosius No, I just mattered that little to him.

Then Sid'nis cheated on Kinali.

No, A'rosius was not surprised whatsoever.

Though A'rosius' demeanour was one of composure and neutrality, his mind was one of disapproval. Sid'nis action was an affront to A'rosius and everything he stood for. Still, the man tried his best to be impartial. "You were most certainly in the wrong to cheat on him, but affairs don't kill people, Sid; they merely hurt them-" had Sid'nis cheated on A'rosius at the time they were together, A'rosius would have left him... not kill himself "-What Kinali did, he did not do out of sorrow, for he was bonded, and he had a greater love than you to keep him going." Lips pressed together as A'rosius thought logically on the matter. There was no sorrow great enough to cause a sane man to kill himself and lose his bond. "That means he took his life into his own hands, and he did so out of spite. He did it to get back at you, to hurt you, and for that... he is at greater fault."

But shards if this was not a mess.

***

In the weyr, Bowith remained close and supportive of A'rosius. When Iolith arrived, Bowith made a glance to the blue. Leave it, he told his blue brother, before he turned his attention beyond the stone, and reached back to A'rosius within.
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Parker
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Wed Jun 13, 2018 7:04 am

Iolith huffed and gave a soft growl to the other blue. He'd just gone to get his lazy ass a meal and now he told him to just 'leave it'. Had he been a more spiteful or less kind dragon he would have flung the kill at Bowith or off of his edge with a very snappish 'there it's left.' He didn't do that though. Instead he just dropped the kill down in the middle of the weyr, then he headed back to the ledge to lay there and wait until his rider was ready to go home.

"You were most certainly in the wrong to cheat on him, but affairs don't kill people, Sid; they merely hurt them-"

Sid had paced back and forth a few more times as he allowed Ambr to digest that information for as long as he needed. "Trust me, I know...I know first hand...which makes the action even more deplorable." He'd been on the other side before. Not many times, granted, but considering how little he'd actually been in relationships it wasn't as surprising. His first love had been a habitual cheater. While he had a base idea of why he had done what he did, it still really didn't make much sense to him.

"-What Kinali did, he did not do out of sorrow, for he was bonded, and he had a greater love than you to keep him going. That means he took his life into his own hands, and he did so out of spite. He did it to get back at you, to hurt you, and for that... he is at greater fault."

"It doesn't really matter why he did it, he did it....and if spite was indeed his only reason, to get back at me, then he fucking succeeded." Sid'nis said with exasperation. "You're not telling me anything V'an and Rath hasn't already said. And the logical side of me gets it. If it was someone else in this position then I'd be telling them the same thing. Despite seeing the logical side, that doesn't make the hurt any less...it sure as fuck doesn't make the guilt in less." He moved and sat back down, though one leg bounced up and and down anxiously. "I'm sorry for coming here and dragging you into my sad story as well. I am..." Sid paused for a moment as he thought about his next sentence. "I am doing better than when it first happened, but I still have bad days...today was a bad day."
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Zaynallen | C'sian | Sid'nis | Locke
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Najden | Kisle'vis | Corbin | Calivander |

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Shaihulud
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Wed Jun 13, 2018 10:52 am

"Trust me, I know...I know first hand...which makes the action even more deplorable."

Yes... it did. Sid'nis truly should have known better, but he did it any ways. Once more, however, A'rosius was not surprised.

"It doesn't really matter why he did it, he did it....and if spite was indeed his only reason, to get back at me, then he fucking succeeded." His tone was one strain, of anger, of hurt, though A'rosius knew well enough that such potent emotions were not meant for him, they were meant for the dead. "You're not telling me anything V'an and Rath hasn't already said. And the logical side of me gets it. If it was someone else in this position then I'd be telling them the same thing. Despite seeing the logical side, that doesn't make the hurt any less...it sure as fuck doesn't make the guilt in less." He moved to sit back down at A'rosius' side, though his anxiety refused to settled. It manifested in his limbs, the way his legs moved so rapidly, refusing to settle. "I'm sorry for coming here and dragging you into my sad story as well. I am...-" the bluerider gave pause before continuing "-I am doing better than when it first happened, but I still have bad days...today was a bad day."

For all Sid'nis told A'rosius he faired better, that today was simply a bad day for him, A'rosius begged to differ. After careful thought, A'rosius spoke the obvious in order to show Sid'nis that his claim of recovery from the trauma lacked viable credibility. "If you were truly fairing better... then you wouldn't be drinking." Drinking was a slow and miserable death. The fact Sid'nis drowned his emotions meant he had darker demons to face, and that he was doing far from better.

Though the kettle began to whistle, A'rosius did not turn away from Sid'nis immediately. He let those words sink into the man as his eyes measured the man's response, and his character. With that, A'rosius stood to his feet and made his way to the hearth to preparing some tea. Duesso made sure to take his place and watch the man steadily. Sid'nis did not have permission to leave. In silence, A'rosius seeped the tea in a pot, and prepared the tray. Two saucers, two cups, a side of milk, and a side of sugar. The lemon slices were optional, but always went well with a cup of grey tea. When he returned, he set the tray on the table, and checked the pot. Just a few more minutes. The colour was not dark enough just yet.

"However much you understand your circumstances, and however difficult it is to accept them and move on, I will remind you that you chose to be an active father, so you have no choice." He gave Sid'nis a moment to take in the reminder as A'rosius began to pour the tea. "You have other things you need to concern yourself with now. You have a family to care for. For the sake of the children, you are not allowed to be weak." For all their time apart, A'rosius still knew how to make Sid'nis tea. Once satisfied with it and that it would meet Sid'nis approval, he offered the cup and saucer to the man. "If you don't pull yourself together, and you let Kinali tear you apart and change you, not only does he win, but he will ruin the lives of your children. And-" he held up a finger before Sid'nis might protest "-Don't tell me the children haven't seen it, that you've hidden it from them. Children know and see more than you think. You know that better than anyone." A'rosius took his own cup of tea and sipped at it. The milk and sugar and settled the more earthy flavours, allowing A'rosius to enjoy the citrus hints of the beverage. The sweetness was a bonus, but A'rosius always did have a taste for sweet things. "So what do I need to do to help you?" The help he offered was not up for debate.
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Parker
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Fri Jun 15, 2018 5:30 am

"If you were truly fairing better... then you wouldn't be drinking."

Sid'nis did his damnedest to school the instant punch to the stomach that comment gave to him. His shoulders tensed and his hackles raised, though he tried to keep his face neutral. When Kin had killed himself, he'd lost it. He wasn't so ashamed as that he couldn't admit that now. The only thing that had kept him from being just as selfish as Kin at first, was Iolith. Unlike his ex-weyrmate, he couldn't do that to his bonded and thanks to the love he knew his dragon had for him, and the constant friendship of V'an, he'd managed to bring himself back away from the ledge. It hadn't been easy, in fact it was probably the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, but if he was fairing no better now than he was before...then why the fuck did he even try?

Calm yourself, Sid'nis, and take a breath. He does not know the place you were compared to where you are now. Iolith soothingly broke into his rider's thoughts. He could feel how upset Sid was becoming and after all these months he knew how to calm Sid. You are human, Sid, you're going to make mistakes. You're going to fall back occasionally, but you know how proud V'an is of you for the progress you have made. Do not allow one ill informed comment to ruin all the good work you have done for yourself.

Sid'nis relaxed a little. Thank you, brother. I needed to hear that. Should he be able to just click his fingers and be completely better and the person he use to be? In a fantasy world that would be possible, but this was the real world...and he was very really human. He knew V'an was proud of him and knowing that did help him a lot. Where he was now...he was back to full duty as a rider. He was spending time with his children. He helped in the infirmary when he could. Yes, he had his bad days, but he was a functioning person again. Before...he had barely been able to take care of himself.

However, it seemed as if Iolith had just managed to calm him down when Ambr went on to say more things that made him press his lips together thinly. The part of Sid that had always tried to avoid confrontation warred with the side of him that wanted to defend himself vehemently. No one had to remind him that he'd chosen to be an active father. He'd longed to be a father since he was old enough to be one. Was he a perfect father? No. No one was and it was even harder for riders, but even now he was trying to do his damnedest. For now he bit the inside of his jaw. Anything he said now would be said for the wrong reasons and would undoubtedly do nothing but more harm. He took the offered cup, but it was set onto the table in front of him untouched.

"-Don't tell me the children haven't seen it, that you've hidden it from them. Children know and see more than you think. You know that better than anyone."

Indignation rose in his eyes for a split second before Iolith managed to cool his head for him before he spoke. "Of course they have. I was with Kin for turns, you don't think they didn't come to care for him as well? You think they didn't ask me where he was? If he was coming back?" Alyss was younger and so didn't understand as well, but Servaas was old enough to know what death was. Sid kept most of what happened from both of them, but that didn't make the answers he had to tell them any easier to say. Sid rubbed the back of his neck to try and ease some of the tension.

"So what do I need to do to help you?"

Sid'nis didn't answer right away. He took a deep breath and exhaled through his nose before he stood. "Right now...just knowing I have support is enough." He spoke the truth. However, he knew what his mood was like, and though he knew Ambr meant well...he really wasn't helping. The last thing he needed was to let his temper get the better of him and right now that was where he was headed. Iolith could only do so much. "V'an was looking for me when I left. I don't want him to worry too much, so I better get back." That wasn't a lie. V'an honestly had been looking for him when he'd left. He said and then headed towards the exit. He told Iolith to get ready to leave as he picked up his jacket and put it back on. "I promise, I won't be so much of a stranger."
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Zaynallen | C'sian | Sid'nis | Locke
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Najden | Kisle'vis | Corbin | Calivander |

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Fri Jun 15, 2018 10:46 am

How could A'rosius believe he was doing better when Sid'nis was already visibly in the worst state A'rosius had ever seen him in? The bluerider simply could not comprehend the notion of Sid'nis... Sid'nis of all people who had been kidnapped and placed into slavery, nearly lost Mul'rec to a gutting, had remained strong for his children... would ever contemplate suicide for a man he had been with for only a couple of turns. For turns, Sid'nis was their anchor, or at least that was how A'rosius perceived it...

You need to be careful with him, Bowith suggested as he listed to Iolith. Something happened to Sid'nis, and it is bad enough for Iolith to worry.

What? A'rosius thought back with a furrow of his brow.

I don't know, but Iolith told Sid'nis 'He does not know the place you were compared to where you are now'.

The warning only raised A'rosius' heckles. I can't coddle him about this, Bowith! A drinking problem is still a drinking problem. Whether it's a small one or a big one makes little difference when it is clearly having an effect. And do not get me started about his infidelity! This entire conversation triggered A'rosius on levels he had forgotten even existed. He wanted to be angry at Sid'nis for his behaviour, but he had no justification for such outrage. Besides, he knew Sid'nis came to him for help, though what kind, A'rosius could not clearly identify, which only frustrated him. Thank Faranth the bluerider masked his own indignation, but then again, he had decades of practice.

"Of course they have. I was with Kin for turns, you don't think they didn't come to care for him as well? You think they didn't ask me where he was? If he was coming back?"

Rather than answer, A'rosius held his tongue, though the man nearly bit back with the fact he was talking about the drinking problem, and not about the death of Kinali.

"Right now...just knowing I have support is enough."

A'rosius did not believe him.

"V'an was looking for me when I left. I don't want him to worry too much, so I better get back."

That was a lie, and A'rosius knew it, though he would not call the man out on it, for he was no longer permitted. Sid'nis did not leave for V'an, he left because A'rosius did not give him what he sought, though the bluerider had yet to understand what that was, which unsettled him even more. A'rosius dared to tell him the truth, and Sid'nis ran from it. The resentment and distrust A'rosius harboured against Sid'nis now had not existed since they were mated. What did Sid'nis expect of him? Were his expectations of A'rosius once more misplaced? The very notion hurt A'rosius, even if he believed it should not. Today's spontaneous meeting had nothing to do with the past, and everything to do with the present, yet the things said and done on Sid'nis' behalf, and the fact A'rosius needed to censor himself lest he hurt the man cut deep into old wounds. Just like Alyss... and just like me... Apparently A'rosius did not have the right to be honest and true. He never did.

In silence, A'rosius watched the man stand to his feet and ready himself for flight. He found himself imagining a past where he had been as strong then as he had been today. In his mind, the alternate past also resulted in Sid'nis leaving him like this because Sid'nis did not want to hear the things A'rosius had to say. Maybe Sid'nis came to me seeking Alyss... But A'rosius was no longer that person, someone willing to destroy their sense of self to let Sid'nis live in ignorant bliss.

"I promise, I won't be so much of a stranger."

And yet they were strangers, not just Sid'nis to A'rosius, but A'rosius to him. "Of course," A'rosius said from his seat on the couch. Slowly, he rose to his feet, and motioned for the door. He would follow after Sid'nis, and go through the motions of departure, but he kept himself emotionally apart from the man. When Sid'nis was ready to mount, A'rosius folded his arms behind his back to keep himself at a distance from Sid'nis rather than give him that final embracing goodbye. "Have a safe journey home, and give our daughter a hug from me."

The rumble of an assuring croon for A'rosius started from Bowith, but swiftly A'rosius reproved him from it. Don't.

The blue withheld his comfort.

{fin}
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